Day 4: Waterloo & Norwich

        Today I'm off to Norwich for a show in the evening at Gonzo's Tea House, I've been excited about today since I thought of this stupid timewasting blog idea, because I looked it up and found that there is in fact a GBK in Norwich, and so having planned my Megabus journey accordingly, I'm planning to have breakfast in the Waterloo location, and late lunch in Norwich. My bus gets in at 4pm, which gives me an hour to allow for any lateness/misadventures – I'm pretty confident I'm going to make it. I love these little threading-the-needle type adventures, where time is scarce and the pressure is on. It doesn't matter whatsoever to anyone if I succeed or fail, but the rush pushes those kinds of dull thoughts to the side and gives meaning to an otherwise pointless day. Damn it I forgot to brush my teeth.

GBK Waterloo

        The shop looks long and thing when you walk through the front door, but there was a little surprise waiting for me just past the counter which stretches along the left edge of the space; at the end the room opens up again to reveal a little secret or “hidden” area. The couches are upholstered in a sort of faux-plush style, it's almost palatial, except it's not because it's fake duh. The just started playing hip hop. This is easily the best I've felt sitting in any GBK since the Haverstock Hill spot on Tuesday. Fuck yes people, today is Friday. Decor/Vibes: 4.5

Hidden!

        The chick who served me, whose name is apparently Siobhan (although who trusts the names on the receipts REALLY, she could be using anyone's log in there and masquerading as a completely different person entirely. Trust nobody.), was lively and looked into my eyes. I asked for my burger to take away today, but still took the coleslaw side to have in, and she didn't flinch. She even laughed when I said something about not wanting to “fuck with the coleslaw to take away cos it's all messy and shit”. She laughed kind of early though, which gave me the impression that she was just laughing to the rhythm of our conversation, like she knew intuitively that whatever I was about to say next would be some kind of dumb joke to fill space while she entered things into her computer. Regardless, I like her. Staff: 4.5

        The coleslaw is salty as fuck. Crazy salty. I'm not into it, I don't think I'll finish it actually. Yeah, bummer. I wonder how the veggie burger is going to be? I'm not going to put it in the score for this place because unless it's amazing it's not going to make up for this garbage coleslaw, soz guys. Maybe if the burger sucks as well I'll take points off the score for the GBK in Norwich? That'd be funny hey. Hahahahaha. Fuck this stupid blog. Food: 2

I realised what the problem was, there were no POMMEGRANATE SEEDS. What the fuck.

        The toilet's were okay, there was toilet paper on the floor but it wasn't wet like yetserday's and anyway I like this place so fuck it. Toilets: 5

        I'm super excited to go to Norwich, but I need to bounce right now to catch the bus. I can still feel the salt from that coleslaw in my mouth, and feel the dryness on my lips. That's bummed me out a little, but that chick was so cool, and this secret room is so secret. Final Score: 4

GBK Norwich

        Made it! The bus took 45 minutes longer than expected and led us through traffic jams and a lot of adolescent canoodling from the seat in front of me, but we pulled into Norwich Bus Station at 1645, and after a brisk run through the town, I burst Kramer-like through the door with eight minutes to spare. Some have been sceptical of my dietary choices over these last few days, claiming the negative effects of all this grease and salt on my heart as a reason to change things up a little. I assure you though, when I was finally sure that I'd made it here in time and was going to get my free food, my heart was not just fine, it was SINGING!

        The chairs in here are big! They're wooden, and I don't mean bit as in like armchairs, they're just very wide, they're normal dinner-table chairs like you'd find in any restaurant, but the seat part where your butt goes is EXPANSIVE! Like a canoe. I just looked around and realised not all of the chairs are like this – minus points for lack of uniformity.
        The upstairs here is way bigger than the downstairs; there's no one sitting up there right now, it felt like maybe it's reserved for private functions or some such. I could see the tree tops and foliage from out of the full length windows and it was all very airy and light. A beautiful space. I don't know what's making me hold back on these scores, because really I don't see how a place like this could get much nicer for what it is. There's not a lot of atmosphere, but then again at the times I've been coming, why would there be? Just to break the mould I'll go Decor/Vibe: 4.5

        The guy who served me was very helpful in explaining the voucher, which is what I usually let them do just to calm my own nerves about this deception, it's a funny little dance. He also offered me a choice of dipping sauce for my chips which I've never been offered before, but it was free and hey! So I went with Sriracha Aoli (duh), and am retrospectively furious with every staff member I've had up until this point for not making the same offer.
        I noticed the girl on the floor did interrupt the conversation at the table behind me to ask if everything was okay, but she did also apologise for interrupting, so maybe that's something they're required to do? It was an elegant interruption though, and she was similarly gracious with me, calling me “sir”, asking if I needed anything else. I noticed at the Clink St store that they had a peg they took off my little cutlery bucket to mark when they'd hit that point of service, and that struck me as a little tacky, although not unsubtle and I will concede, a decent system. Still though, there's none of that here, I feel quite well treated and comfortable. Go Norwich! Staff 4.5

        Burger was good, size of fillet was good, bun charred nicely, Sriracha Aioli was okay, a bit lacking in that garlicy aioli flavour actually, a bit more like a creamy capsicum affair, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Can't lose sight of the fact that I'm only ordering off the lunch menu, and as such the stuff I'm eating is very Entry Level. Food: 3.5

The Cabinet of Dr Caligari

        I'm very aware that the toilet section has often departed from a report on cleanliness to muse on the architecture and layout of the bathrooms, but what can I say, I'm a cultured fella! The floors had a very interesting pattern reminiscent of something you might see in a tile, but made out of some plastic floor-specific composite. It reminded me of something you might look at while on acid and wonder whether it was actually moving before snapping out of the trance to check if you were wearing a suit. “Where am I?”, the Acid Brain asks.
        “You're in a toilet.”
        “But which one? How long have I been here? Is there anyone waiting outside for me?”
        Upon leaving the stall the steps back down to the ground level dining area would present an almost insurmountable obstacle, but the design suggests this is not the kind of establishment where that kind of thing is a problem, as there is no grate or drain to allow the ensuing bodily fluid to drip through. Toilets: 4

        Today has been a good day. I've got a gig tonight and I have a good feeling about it. Tomorrow I'm not going to eat GBK, and I'm very excited about the prospect. That's not to say that the eight visits this week haven't each been a separate and individual delight, they have, but I'm very tired, and I can feel my heart telling me to stop. GBK Norwich: 4.5

        See you on Monday. Eugh, sigh.

Day 3: Greenwich & East Dulwich

        Getting up today knowing that I'm going to have a to squeeze another two GBK visits in before 5pm was not the most exciting prospect to look forward to. I feel a little heavy after yesterday, and tomorrow will probably be worse. I didn't even drink last night. Eugh. I don't know why I'm being negative though, I'm in a great mood, and I'm starting the day in the old town part of Greenwich which is all kinds of lovely. I just realised I think I use that word too much.
        I also just want to put here for the record that I DID realise after writing the first part of this blog that there are WAY MORE than nine GBK locations in London. There are SO MANY of these little cunts (too strong?). Nine was just as many as showed up on Google Maps on my phone when I first searched, but evidently their groaning influence has spread much further than I first anticipated.

GBK Greenwich

        The space here is a lot tighter than the others I've been to, and I rate it so much higher for it. Instead of these gasping spaces filled with tables just for the sake of it, the Greenwich store is compact, with tables pressed against built-in couches on the walls and chairs opposing them. The staircase juts up to the right and the bannister is a prominent feature as soon as you walk in. It's blue, like a matte version of those 'metalic' pens that rich kids used to have in their pencilcases in primary school. Remember? And you'd borrow one to draw the edge of a sword or something, and then not give it back for like two weeks. Remember those? That's what this staircase looks like.
        The upstairs itself looks nice... LOOKS nice... okay before I get to that. Decor/Vibe: 4

Looks nice. Yep. Looks LOVELY

        When I walked in I was quite clearly the first customer of the day. The girl behind the counter greeted me and then we fumbled around a bit trying to get bearings on each other and figure out how this was going to go, after a while I mentioned I might take a look around upstairs because it looked nice, and she asked me (with a mild plea) if I could not, because she was the only staff member on. I obliged, but fuck me if I wasn't PISSED about it. I WANNA SIT UPSTAIRS! NO!! There were two more people on the floor before my food even came out, it would have been totally fine. She just didn't want to do the leg-work.
        I'm being overly harsh of course, I get it, and for the rest of the time she was fine. A bit uncomfortable in her pandering over-niceness – “cloying” was the other word I wanted to use there, but couldn't make fit. Nah, not into it. Staff: 2.5

        The food was how the food always is (oh my god what a dismissive sentence, I think I might be starting to convince myself I actually had a bad time today? No. No not quite, surely). I got the grilled chicken burger again, and it was fresh and nice, the bun got a bit wet on one side, but I don't know if that's my fault or theirs. The blue cheese 'slaw was great, not an every day thing, but definitely if you're in the mood for it, go get yourself some. The water was chilled to a pleasing level. Food: 4

        The toilets. Oh the toilets. Hahahaha... I mean look, I really thought this category would just be a space for me to vent from now on, because I expected the toilets to be almost exactly the same across every store, and so far they've been great. They were great here too... but just less great, and that has so defied my expectations that I'm almost enjoying how upset I am. IT WAS THE FLOOR!! Oh man the floor on these toilets, fuck off. I wouldn't use that linoleum to wrap a dead body up. I wouldn't use it to sand my neighbour's fence. I wouldn't use it to rub boils of the bottoms of your mum's feet before I fucked her THE FLOORS WERE THAT BAD! Take a look at the pictures. Then I found a random corner of some packet of sweets on the cistern and this outburst pretty much wrote itself. Toilets: 2

No.

NO!

NOOOO!!

        As much as I really love the quaint layout of this shop, and as much as the girl who served me really wasn't bad at all she was actually lovely, and the food was good, and the toilets were good also, something just seems off about this place. Maybe it's the oxygen? Final Score: 3.2

GBK East Dulwich

        It started raining about five minutes after I left Robyn's house in Honor Oak where I've been crashing on a memory foam mattress in her lounge/kitchen for the last week. The last time I came to East Dulwich was over a year ago, I was on a charity shop mission to buy some second hand clothes on a tip off from a rich friend with good style. This time I came to get FED!

        I missed the bus stop because I was reading an Guardian Football article, and while I'm not against missing stops, it did mean I had an extra few minutes walking through the rain, and my 5pm voucher-deadline was fast approaching. I missed the entrance to the restaurant on my first pass, and found myself staring at the door to someone's flat. That was annoying, but everything else about this GBK is nice. The shop is long and thin, the floor plan is clever with single tables against the wall and doubles in the middle, meaning that those dreaded free-standing tables are taken up by groups rather than stranded individuals. Right now the music is some type of blues – I'm becoming fairly convinced that they do have a standard playlist across all GBK venues because of the lack of variation I've heard in the last few days. It's good music though. Also on a sunny day the outdoor area with nice big wooden planters looks a treat. Decor/Vibes: 4

        The girl who served me (no receipt! How will I ever know her name?!) got straight to the point when I showed her my card at 4:45, and we got the business of ordering done before I'd even sat down. I'm getting more confident with ordering what I know I'm going to get anyway without having to look at the menu and feign interest to keep up the charade of never having used a free meal voucher before. That's going to have to be the move in Edinburgh, so this is all training.
        The guy who brought my food out later came by for a, “everything okay?” pass, and called me, “young man,” in the process. He can't be more than five years my senior, not sure how I feel about that. It did feel nice to be called young man though, it's still dignified, but maybe just feels incorrect in my heart. I've been noticing that recently: this year, 26, it's felt markedly different to the rest of my 20s. I feel very at at peace with myself and my identity, and less like I need to impress people or dig for approval all the time, but then again I am also conscious of the distance between me and someone who is say 20. That's a lot of living. I know they can't feel it, but I can, and it makes me feel like they're somehow judging me. I guess I just contradicted myself there, that wasn't really the most comfortable, self-assured admission... anyway. Staff: 4

        The burger was better than this morning's. I'll say it right fucking now I don't care who's listening. I put hot sauce on it, which I forgot to do in Greenwich, but it also just FELT more... more right, you know? It MEANT more. I've been doing things all day, so it felt like I really deserved this burger. I know that's not the fault of the chef in either venue, but I can't help but mark accordingly. Anything less would be dishonest. Food: 4.5

        Once a doctor told me, after I'd inquired as to why I take such regular (and freakishly quick!) trips to the bathroom, that one thing I can do about that is treat the need to urinate like a sort of exercise. The bladder – or urethra, or dick or whatever part of the body that stops pee coming out – it's a muscle like any other, so if you train it, it gets stronger, and you can hold a pee for longer. That's what he told me, and every now and then when I feel like I have some free emotional energy left in me, I'll hold onto a pee for what feels like an athletic amount of time, before rewarding myself with sweet release, and hoping that that's what he was talking about. I don't need to pee that badly right now, but I will, even though it goes against everything that great man taught me. Because I have standards to uphold in this blog, and because it feels good.
        ……
        GBK EAST DULWICH YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND OUT!! Well aren't I just a little bit glad that I went in there! The shared male/female toilet was out of order, leaving only the disabled toilets free for use, and upon entering... a PUDDLE of liquefied toilet paper on the floor next to the toilet. The floor was once again not the gleaming tiles I've become used to in the last few days, but instead some thick homage to the scientific discovery of bacteria by Antonie van Leeuwenhoek in 1676, all rubbery and beige. No, not at all. Not one little bit thankyou very much. Toilets: 2

        What a day it's been. The rain has stopped, and señor is currently whipping round with a dustpan and brush trying to pretend that the toilets in this establishment do not bring shame upon this family. But they do sir, and you cannot hide.
        Thankyou.

Day 2: Clink St & St Paul's

        There is something so exhilirating about getting free shit. It's exciting! It's naughty. I still don't know how the GBK staff in Edinburgh are going to react when the figure out that I'm coming in every day with a free lunch voucher, but I'm hoping they're going to be cool. I keep thinking about it, what's my game plan? Do I just go in and try to fly under the radar for as long as possible? Do I try to make friends? I have this beautiful scenario in my head where after the first few days they figure out what I'm doing, but we're mates by that point? And it becomes like Cheers, I walk in every day and throw “What's-Up-Fingers at everyone, sit at my table, they bring me my shit, I give them the card, we laugh, and everything is right with the world. What I'm scared of is that I'll be banned before the first weekend, and it'll rain lots.

GBK Clink St

        Today I'm in the Clink St store for an early lunch, it's just around the corner from Borough Market, which is the most famous food markets in London. I had to walk through it on the way here and couldn't escape the fact that all I really wanted to do was go in and find something new and exciting to eat, but a deal's a deal, and this stack of free GBK lunch vouchers is burning a hole in my pocket, so I followed the tight alleyway around just past the prison tours until I found the spot. It's nice... I want a view I think. Maybe I was spoilt yesterday, but the window I'm currently sat at is looking straight at a boring wall. It is raining outside though, which is nice, but there's no phone reception which is a BIG minus. Oh boy. Like, none at all. NOTHING!
        The music sounds about the same as yesterday's, but the feeling in here is a bit more restauranty – “stuffy” is probably too negative, and it's not a small space, but maybe just a little too open and big, it feels more like a food hall than the cosy restaurant I think they're going for, or the airy street-side cafe feel of Haverstock Hill. Decor/Vibe: 2.5

Innuendo? Or just bragging about their big, hot mouth?

        In the toilets... oh damn, they've got a big ass mirror in there! Full length, tip to tail, and the benchtops that the sinks sit on feel like real marble – shit is EXPENSIVE bruh! Same green and white tiles as Haverstock, nice uniformity in design, I appreciate that. While I was sitting on the throne I heard the mechanical clicking of the air freshener going off which is reassuring as well, all in all a very positive experience. Toilets 4.5

        The guy who served me when I came in – my receipt claims his name is Patrick – was lovely. There was only one other table of customers when I arrived just before midday, so I reckon I might have got the silver service, but the moment when I failed to understand whatever it was he said and he laughed, “Good morning!” at me was great, very human. There have been at least two other servers who've come to my table and asked how everything's going since then, which is cool. Feels a little impersonal, and actually I wanted to talk to Patrick again. I thought we had a connection?! The place is busier now though, way busier than Haverstock, but there seem to be plenty of crew on hand to deal with it. Staff: 3.8

Nothin's too fancy for my main man Patrick

        Today I went and mixed it up a little with the Chicken Burger, and baby I got it grilled too, and then oh my days hold onto your hats here, A SALAD! Hahaha the knowledge of another meal coming in a few hours has really set me free, I'm like a maniac right now! WOOOOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!! The burger was nice, the chicken fillet didn't really cover the bun, but it was tasty, I could taste the fire, or whatever that taste is when something is nicely grilled – the little burnt bits, like in the bun yesterday. I put some hot sauce on it and that had a little kick to it as well, not a lot, but you know, some nice white-boy kick, which was plenty. Salad was good, crunchy, all their ingredients are clearly fresh. I think they used a different bun on the chicken as opposed to beef burger yesterday too which is an interesting development. Something to look into. Food: 4

I can't get enough of these little flags they're so silly!

        All up I'd say this place is nice, but definitely not as good as Haverstock, or Spitalfields where I went with Brenda on Monday. The location probably has a lot to do with that, it's not much to look at from the outside, but because Borough Markets is so busy and full of tourists, I'd say they get fairly busy all the time, which is something to account for. I wonder if they ever get full though? That would probably be very hectic. Overall, only because I'm betting the other locations are better, I'm gonna say Final Score: 3

GBK St Pauls

        After a lovely spot of reading and a delicious coffee (SHOUTOUT Department of Coffee and Social Affairs) that has unfortunately made me feel jittery and nervous, I'm back in for my second helping of the day. Being right next to St Paul's Cathedral, I'm pretty sure this store would get a fair bit of tourist custom just like the Clink ST, but it's 4:10pm right now so it's empty but for a few tables. The layout of this one is marginally worse than Clink St – on the right when you walk in there's booths, which I'm all for, but on the left it's just open floor, and some of the tables are right in the middle of that mayhem. Fuck having to sit there if it got busy. Also my table right now is wobbly. Picky, sure, but annoying, also sure. At least there's reception here, and the hanging lights with copper lamp shades is a nice touch. This place has a more autumnal colour scheme,very well coordinated. I just noticed that, and it's notched up the points slightly. Decor/Vibe: 2.8

        My man Lewis up on Terminal 5 was cool when I ordered, he yawned a late-afternoon yawn at one point which oddly endeared him to me. The other kid on the floor though – I don't know how old he was, but I think I'm calling him a kid because he just seemed real shy – was helpful but not at all engaging. It's late though, as I said, so I'm sure this crew are tired... .OH SHIT a lady wearing casual clothes just walked past with THREE BURGERS AND THREE SIDES balanced on her arms. Big Stuff! Staff: 3.5

Surrender or be defeated!

        The burger was just good enough. I got the chicken again, but this time had it crumbed, to be honest it was a little dry... well very dry, but I got some hot sauce from The Kid on The Floor to lube it up a little. The breading was very light, and it was crunchy but listen... when I'm having some fried chicken, I want some FRIED CHICKEN, you understand? I fuck with chicken shops HARD (why am I talking like this?), and I love that skin the spice and everything about some dirty fried chicken. The cut in this burger was good for what it was, so it can't lose too many points, but it's just not the kind of thing I'm after. I want it DIRTY! I want to hear squelching sounds when I bite into the shit, you know? Anyway... the coleslaw was good though. Food: 3.5

SURRENDER OR BE DEFEATED!!!

        I'm going to start putting the ratings for toilets at the end, or chronologically, so to speak. The autumnal theme did not extend to the toilets, no real problem there I'm not a maniac. There was no similarly impressive mirror situation like in Clink St, but the place was still neat, even though I had to go up stairs to get there I think that's fine, make me earn it GBK, no worries. Toilets: 4

Stairs bruv... booooo stairs.

        All in all, as 5pm ticks over and the sound of RJD2's timeless Ghostwriter bubbles away over the speaker above me, GBK St Paul's is pretty decent. Phone reception probably has it just ahead of Clink St this morning, but the two are fairly neck-and-neck. Final Score: 3

        I'm off to an ominously titled “Networking Event” tonight, invited by someone I met after my show on Monday. Formal dress, oh yes yes yes. I knew I packed my slacks and dress shoes for a reason. See you tomorrow chums.

Day 1: Haverstock Hill

        Okay, I just had a fantastic idea: a few days ago my friend Brenda told me she has a stack of these vouchers for free lunches at some place called Gourmet Burger Kitchen. I have no idea how she got them but the expiry date on the back of all the vouchers is empty so we can write in whatever date we want. Yesterday Brenda and I went to the one in Spitalfields Market and used a voucher each and will you fucking believe it, IT WORKED!!
        Hahahahahahaha oh god I'm actually so excited.

        So these vouchers can be used on weekdays only, any time before 5pm, and are good for one small burger off the Lunch Menu, and one small side. I leave for the Edinburgh Fringe next Wednesday the 2nd of August, which means after today, I've got Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday to hit all nine GBK locations in London and get myself a free lunch. Seeing as I'm sitting I one right now (and I won't count yesterday because I hadn't thought of The Plan yet), that means I need to get to two GBKs each of tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, and then just one each next Monday and Tuesday. I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS!!

        I'll review them each visit in the following categories: Decor/Vibe, Toilets, Staff, Food. Oh god I think I've been watching too many of those 'The Pengest Munch' videos that kid in the suit does in all the London chicken shops.
        That'll get me through until I leave for the Fringe, and then the real challenge starts. I'll have enough vouchers to easily through the month with a meal a day in Edinburgh, but the challenge is this: Edinburgh has only one GBK. So if I'm planning to go in every day and get a free meal at lunch time, I'm guessing after a while the staff will get a little suspicious. I think I'm getting ahead of myself here, but you get the point of what I'm trying to initiate, I'm sure.

        This is going to be a lot of fun, and already strikes me as incredibly unhealthy and stupid. Let's get started I guess.

GBK Haverstock Hill

Decor/Vibe: Upbeat jazzy kinda soul music. I don't recognize it, but it's nice. I wonder if all of the stores play music off the same playlist or if the staff get a bit of freedom? There's a shelf on the wall with giant scrabble pieces spelling out “A BURGER WITHOUT CHEESE IS LIKE A HUG WITHOUT SQUEEZE”, which I can definitely get into. Contradictorily though the chicken burger on the menu I'm allowed to choose from comes without cheese, which is a big no-no for me, but we're getting off track. There's a big set of doors that open out onto the street, and it's a sunny day today so the vibe is gorgeous. That may be influencing my decision, but nevertheless. Decor/Vibe: 4.5

#REALTALK

Toilets: I don't know why I've included this in here to be honest, but it's in here now and I'm not taking it out. I went when I got here before my food came and it was nice, the tiles up the wall are a pleasing mix of dark green and creamy white. Hold up let me just... Yep, double checked. Toilets are nice. Toilets: 4

Staff: When I walked in the girl said hi to me, which is more than can be said for the Old Spike Roastery on Peckham Rye where I stood for a full 30 seconds the other day until I interrupted the staff's conversation to ask if they actually sold coffee. Although if I'm honest, their indifference made me want them to like me, and I ended up trying to start a chat while drinking my long black. Anyway, off topic – when I put too much salt on my chips and started coughing, the girl came out from behind the counter and asked if I was okay, which was lovely. I heard giggling and laughter from out of my view soon after, which I take to indicate the presence of healthy workplace flirting. I like these people a lot. Staff: 4.5

Food: I got a small cheeseburger with American cheese and the thick cut chips as my side. They were all good – I like the buns they have here, very firm and hold the burger together well. You can taste the burnt bread a little – just a little – where they've toasted it on the grill. I like that too, it tastes real, like actual bread, not some artificial shit, which I'm sure it still could be, but what the fuck do I know. They have this stuff called Hei Hei Salt here too, which is the closest thing I've had in the UK to the Chicken Salt that is ubiquitous back in Australia. Great touch. Nothing special, let's not go mad, but filling and nice. Food: 3.5

The flag says how your burger was cooked, which is a lot of fun.

GBK Haverstock Hill: It's nice here, I've been in for a couple hours now sitting on my laptop, haven't been bothered, although to be fair it's not been busy at all, but they do get bonus points for having a plug socket – and one with USB ports AND power points to plug into [clapping hands emoji]. I can't really think of a complaint, it's on a beautiful, wide high street, everything feels right in the world. I'm reserving a half because the food is just a pass, but for everything else, this is a genuinely lovely place.

See you clowns tomorrow, I wonder how long this is going to last?

Click here to read the next part - Day 2: Clink St & St Pauls