Day 6: Clapham

        Today is my last full day in London before heading to Edinburgh tomorrow and I've spent it walking around Clapham reading Palo Alto by James Franco. I'm surprised, and I guess a little disappointed by how much I like Clapham, the wide streets and abundance of bars and greenery is so gorgeous. I'd like to think that the streak of gritty, street-rat sensibility that I hope runs through me would prevent me from liking a place like this, but the ugly truth is that I love it. I'm painfully middle-class in all but my faltering manners and questionable hygiene, that's why I've decided to write a blog about a place called Gourmet Burger Kitchen for fuck's sake. What's the use in hiding it?

GBK Clapham

        It's 3:35pm and I've just finished my burger, the restaurant has just started to get a little busier. The guys at the table to my left look like the latino gangsters you see on the streets in Grand Theft Auto games, which is confusing. One of them is wearing a REAL nice jacket, it's like a suit at the shoulders, but the bottom is elastic like an Adidas jacket and a single black stripe is running horizontally along it. The rest of the thing is a sort of light-greyish off-white. God damn!
        I ran my fingers along the wooden wall when I walked in the door and the imperfections in the wood grain were very endearing. Someone just read out a hotmail address, who the fuck uses hotmail anymore? Brutal. Decor/Vibe: 4

        The guy serving me is clearly uncomfortable with what he knows are the necessities of his job, could see the fury behind his eyes as he asked me for the third time whether there was anything else he could get me. He knows I'm not having anything else, I'm here on a voucher for fuck's sake, but somewhere in a ringed binder under the counter it says, “At Gourmet Burger Kitchen we value each and ever customer equally. We believe it is important to attend to each of the seven points of service when dealing with every customer to ensure they have the most enjoyable experience possible when dining with us:

• Greeting upon entry
• Explaining the menu
• Taking their order (don't forget to smile!)
• Bringing water to the table
• Serving meal (make sure to be excited for them! Offer condiments etc.)
• Return to table to inquire whether food is good
• Clear table, ask again if there's anything else they'd like, farewell and thank on departure

        I feel bad for that dude, I think someone needs to get him out of here soon, because as nice as he was to me, I'm pretty certain he's about to kill someone. Staff: 3

        The food is always the same, I wish I could order off the main menu, but I've not even allowed myself to look at it (hahaha that's actually hilarious god I'm so pathetic). I've just counted and I have 13 cards left. If I go every day this week, that means I have 9 for the remaining 15 days of the Edinburgh Fringe after this week. Three trips to GBK a week, that should be few enough that they don't recognize me, right? Food: 3.5

        It's crazy that I always need to go to the toilet when I'm here. I think I have a real small bladder. I know I've touched on this topic before so I won't go over it again, but it really is crazy to me how some people can go for a whole day and go to the toilet like one single time. What are you a fucking monk? HOW!? The stoicism...
        The stall was really dark and I couldn't find the light, which was a bummer, on the plus side though, the widow was open and you could walk out onto the roof. If you wanted you could go in there with your coat, walk out, and jump down onto the street to escape without paying for your food. Pretty sweet! Toilets: 3

        Overall this place is exactly like all the others, there's even the same side tables as yesterday, sleek and efficient, but maybe not too useful. From what I can tell there are two levels of GBK, good ones, and less good ones. This is one of the good ones. Clink St and St Pauls were less good, but they all fall in about the same range: the food is consistent, the staff are fairly consistent, there's a recognisable theme in design and layout. These guys are doing okay. Oh there's no plug sockets for me to charge my phone and laptop at this one though. Final Score: 3