Edinburgh Fringe Day 8 (10 Cards Left)

        So my 6th show, the day that I wrote the last entry in here, was fucking HORRENDOUS!! Oh my god, one of the worst shows I've ever fucking done, and to be fair it was all my fault for letting six drunken British Lads into my show. Last night was better, and I feel like I'm back on the horse now which is nice – I've been using that phrase a lot too, “back on the horse”, it's a weird one, but everyone seems to know what I'm talking about, so it's been slipping by un-commented-on.

GBK Edinburgh

        Every time I write that bold “GBK Edinburgh” again in these reviews, I imagine a heavy booming sort of sound effect, like the start of an episode of Law and Order, reminiscent of a cell door slamming shut. “Here we are again, no escape.” In 2015 when Phil and I went to Roskilde, I remember lying awake as the Danish summer sun bore down at 6am, drifting in and out of fitful, mareish sleep and somewhere hearing a voice playing over someone's speakers:
        “Day 1: Welcome to Festival, it begins.
        Day 2: Ready yourself.
        Day 3: Grab your weapons and prepare to fight.
        …
        Day 5: No Escape. No Way Out.”

        I had no idea what the voice had come from, but it knew exactly how I felt. Roskilde is an eight-day festival, and I felt like that on the morning of Day 6. Edinburgh is 25 days, and today is Day 8. Decor: 3

        My plan if someone from this place asks me why/how I have so many free lunch cards is to tell them that my friend runs a big Instagram account and GBK HQ asked her to take a bunch of pictures of food for them and paid her in coupons. It's a lie, but I do have a friend who runs an Insta account called @thetravellingcars who has exactly those kinds of offers from places all the time, when we caught up in London last year we got £100 of free stuff from Leon for exactly that reason. Staff: 3

        I feel a little full at the moment. Food: 3

        Is that pressure in my bowels from food escaping, or is it just a bit of nerves about flyering this afternoon and questioning whether people will come to my show tonight? My eyes feel tired, I'm sure there are bags underneath them. The toilets will be a good place to check. I'd write this after I go, but my laptop has 10% battery, and I don't want to push my luck. Toilets: 3

        Surely my next visit here will be the one when I finally get questioned about the cards, we're on three since last Friday now, and it's currently Thursday. I'll probably come again tomorrow, just to really see how things are going to pan out. I'm still having fun, lots of it. Sriracha Mayo was also still £1.25. Fucking Scotland. Final Score: 3

Edinburgh Fringe Day 6 (11 Cards Left)

        I've had five shows now, they've all been good and the three days of the long weekend were full houses which was fucking fantastic. Yesterday's show was tougher, people were tired I think, but I made good money on the bucket and sold some books... I'm waiting for the wall to hit, I'm trying to be careful with myself to some extent, but I did go out last night and ended the night making love in a hostel shower (that's right LOVE) until just before sunrise, before being kicked out of the bunk bed at check out time to wander blearily back to my own place to explain myself. I don't have a private room where I'm staying you see, so the cubicle had to suffice. Is it tasteless to write about that right now? I don't know, I had a really lovely time with that person yesterday, and although they've left the city my good spirits remain. I fucking love this festival.

GBK Edinburgh

        I'm sitting at one of the round tables near the window now, still inside because while it is sunny, the outside spots were all taken – no doubt BECAUSE it is sunny, oh such sharp insight!
        My laptop's keyboard is really pissing me off with ever-changing dead spots and stubborn keys, and due too the fact that I'm reviewing this GBK for the second time and don't have a lot of new material to work with, that's going to affect the score. Decor/Vibes: 3.5

        I was served by a different person to Friday which was a relief because I didn't want to get recognised on my first return visit, but the girl from Friday is here, so I guess she works a lot. I'm going to have to face her at some point. They seem to be taking their jobs semi-seriously as well, which is worrying for my goal of getting free lunch every visit with my stack of vouchers. Still, nice enough, she didn't come to my table a million times with the same question which was refreshing, and it's her birthday on the weekend, so good for her. Staff: 4

        The grilled chicken burger was good, but a bit burnt on the top which made it tough to chew in certain places – the burnt part actually tricked me for a second into thinking there was a bit of bacon in there, but there absolutely was not, it was just a hard little chicken thingo. Also FUCK the Sririacha Mayo cost me fucking MONEY this time, which was bullshit. Actually yeah, fuck that, £1.25 what the fuck, for a little tub of mayo. Nah, not happy. Food: 2

        I don't need to go to the toilet now which is a first, but I'm still pissed about the mayo, what the fuck man. £1.25 SERIOUSLY?! Nope. Nope nope nope not at all. Toilets: 2

        The day is going well, I feel a little tired in the eyes, but I'm about to go and watch Pete Johansson and then catch up with the Big Boy himself Darren Harriott for a beer before we both do Laugh Train Home at 8:45. I'm hoping the show last night was a blip, the audience numbers were still good and to be honest I was very proud of the way I performed and pushed through it, but it did expose places in the show where I need a couple of stronger jokes to sure up audience confidence going into the final stretch. I don't want to be doing that shit where you dip out of the story to slip in some gear from club sets, that's lazy and it's not how you make a good show. The jokes need to be about the story, and the story is about living with a conman – as much as I might want to tell the carrot in my butt story, it's just not relevant. Final Score: 4

Edinburgh Fringe Day 2 (12 Cards Left)

        Yesterday I started my show in the Edinburgh Fringe and it went pretty well, the show itself is very rusty and needs a lot of work, but it's the first show innit, and despite that I performed well, and had the room almost full, so RESULT! It's 2:16pm right now and I've just come in to the only GBK location in Edinburgh, and so far, what me see, me likey!

GBK Edinburgh

        The ceilings are high, and they remind me of the house I grew up in in Adelaide, not because of the height, but because of the white plaster detail around the edges and in the middle, it's very beautiful, and adds a touch of a home long gone to this place that I'll hopefully be scoring 13 free lunches off of in the next month. It feels spacious, and also is busier than I've seen any of the GBKs I've been to except maybe Clink St in London, I'm guessing that's owing to it being August in Edinburgh, and the store being in a fairly central location in New Town. Regardless, I like being in the midst of people. I'm feeling good about this guys, very good. Decor/Vibes: 5

        The guy who greeted me when I walked in was smiley, and incredibly, assumed that I knew how GBK works and was comfortable sitting down and going through the menu myself! Yes!! The confidence! MY MAN!! Then when I went up to the counter and tried to order a Cheeseburger with American Cheese and Medium Patty, the English girl behind the counter explained to me that having beef cooked medium is against health regulations in Scotland because of the mad cow disease outbreak in the 90s which was apparently worse here than anywhere else in the UK. What a fucking great piece of trivia! I said “Good Lookin'” to her, and she understood what I meant, and said “Thankyou.” These are my people. Staff: 5

        The food hasn't come out yet. Tick tock tick tock. I'm just impatient because I want to go see my mate James Bennison's show at 2:30... I feel like I'm not going to make it, but I'm going to try I'M COMING JIMMY!! Still though, I'm enjoying my sit here, I'm sure the food is going to be great. I trust these guys. More than that, I think I may even love them. Food: 5

        Look, the toilets were no good. I mean they're fine, they're clean and everything, but the floor is made of that shitty blue sandpaper crap that I hated so much at some of the shops in London. This is probably the only part of this review that is in any way objective. Toilets: 3

        I've been sitting here for a while now, and definitely missed James' show – there was no way I was going to make it to the Newsroom from here by 2:30, what a laugh hahaha. I'm going to find something nice to see now though, maybe something in Heroes of the Fringe. Bob Slayer is a fucking legend. I thought I just heard someone call out “Taco” from the other side of the restaurant, maybe someone was just saying the word “taco”? Hard to tell.
        I wonder how I'll do cashing in my next free lunch voucher, I might try and run it tomorrow. These guys seem cool, hopefully I can get to know them a little. Final Score: 5

Click here to read the next part - Edinburgh Fringe Day 6

Day 6: Clapham

        Today is my last full day in London before heading to Edinburgh tomorrow and I've spent it walking around Clapham reading Palo Alto by James Franco. I'm surprised, and I guess a little disappointed by how much I like Clapham, the wide streets and abundance of bars and greenery is so gorgeous. I'd like to think that the streak of gritty, street-rat sensibility that I hope runs through me would prevent me from liking a place like this, but the ugly truth is that I love it. I'm painfully middle-class in all but my faltering manners and questionable hygiene, that's why I've decided to write a blog about a place called Gourmet Burger Kitchen for fuck's sake. What's the use in hiding it?

GBK Clapham

        It's 3:35pm and I've just finished my burger, the restaurant has just started to get a little busier. The guys at the table to my left look like the latino gangsters you see on the streets in Grand Theft Auto games, which is confusing. One of them is wearing a REAL nice jacket, it's like a suit at the shoulders, but the bottom is elastic like an Adidas jacket and a single black stripe is running horizontally along it. The rest of the thing is a sort of light-greyish off-white. God damn!
        I ran my fingers along the wooden wall when I walked in the door and the imperfections in the wood grain were very endearing. Someone just read out a hotmail address, who the fuck uses hotmail anymore? Brutal. Decor/Vibe: 4

        The guy serving me is clearly uncomfortable with what he knows are the necessities of his job, could see the fury behind his eyes as he asked me for the third time whether there was anything else he could get me. He knows I'm not having anything else, I'm here on a voucher for fuck's sake, but somewhere in a ringed binder under the counter it says, “At Gourmet Burger Kitchen we value each and ever customer equally. We believe it is important to attend to each of the seven points of service when dealing with every customer to ensure they have the most enjoyable experience possible when dining with us:

• Greeting upon entry
• Explaining the menu
• Taking their order (don't forget to smile!)
• Bringing water to the table
• Serving meal (make sure to be excited for them! Offer condiments etc.)
• Return to table to inquire whether food is good
• Clear table, ask again if there's anything else they'd like, farewell and thank on departure

        I feel bad for that dude, I think someone needs to get him out of here soon, because as nice as he was to me, I'm pretty certain he's about to kill someone. Staff: 3

        The food is always the same, I wish I could order off the main menu, but I've not even allowed myself to look at it (hahaha that's actually hilarious god I'm so pathetic). I've just counted and I have 13 cards left. If I go every day this week, that means I have 9 for the remaining 15 days of the Edinburgh Fringe after this week. Three trips to GBK a week, that should be few enough that they don't recognize me, right? Food: 3.5

        It's crazy that I always need to go to the toilet when I'm here. I think I have a real small bladder. I know I've touched on this topic before so I won't go over it again, but it really is crazy to me how some people can go for a whole day and go to the toilet like one single time. What are you a fucking monk? HOW!? The stoicism...
        The stall was really dark and I couldn't find the light, which was a bummer, on the plus side though, the widow was open and you could walk out onto the roof. If you wanted you could go in there with your coat, walk out, and jump down onto the street to escape without paying for your food. Pretty sweet! Toilets: 3

        Overall this place is exactly like all the others, there's even the same side tables as yesterday, sleek and efficient, but maybe not too useful. From what I can tell there are two levels of GBK, good ones, and less good ones. This is one of the good ones. Clink St and St Pauls were less good, but they all fall in about the same range: the food is consistent, the staff are fairly consistent, there's a recognisable theme in design and layout. These guys are doing okay. Oh there's no plug sockets for me to charge my phone and laptop at this one though. Final Score: 3

Day 5: Battersea

        What a fucking stupid idea it was to go to two GBKs a day for three days straight last week. God damn it. The fucking arrogance, I feel a little bit sick from it still, not physically – although I'm sure my body is suffering on some level that I'm not in tune with – but on a personal level. Why did I do that to myself? Bored I guess.
        I'm not in a good mood today, or just right now I guess, but that kind of thing happens occasionally, all I can do is write through it.

GBK Battersea

        Today I'm at what is apparently the original GBK store. I can't remember who gave me that little piece of information, but whoever it was I held onto it and without any need for verification will now proliferate it as gospel to anyone who cares to listen. It feels like the original too, it's smaller, very homely, but the space is used with extreme efficiency. The sleek tables hugging the right wall are a great example of an ingenious use of space that maybe in practice wouldn't be too comfortable, you can't accuse these guys being wasteful. There are five nice-as-shit mirrors on that same wall, and while small, the space still feels airy and open. We're back on that jazz/funk tip for the music. It's sunny again, the outdoor area looks nice, everything checks out. Decor/Vibes: 4

        The girl who served me was cool, she was eating lunch when I walked in and her boss didn't seem to care too much that I was standing at the counter – he was with some other dude rummaging around in what I can only assume was a cupboard. The girl stood up and left her lunch to run around the counter and serve me like a fucking champion, and when I apologised for interrupting her he brushed it off like it was nothing. SOLDIER! Staff: 4.5

        I got the cheeseburger, I'm still yet to taste a difference in any of the three cheeses I've tried. I haven't tried blue because I don't really fancy something that heavy on my burger in the middle of the afternoon, but yeah. Maybe some people can taste it, but I can't. Skinny chips were good, Brenda's advice to steer clear of them turned out to be WRONG! Dickhead. Food: 3.5

        There was only one toilet, marked “LOOS” with the familiar, oversized scrabble pieces, as per usual. Lighting was a bit low, by choice it seems, not too low though. If only I had someone to dance with, I feel like we could do our dancing in there. Sigh. Toilets: 4

        This place is nice. If GBK really did start here and I am on hallowed ground, then I feel honoured. I'm coming to like this chain of burger joints, they are many and increasingly faceless yes, but they do still take pride in themselves. One more in London tomorrow, and then it's up to Edinburgh. Final Score: 4