Day 2: Clink St & St Paul's

        There is something so exhilirating about getting free shit. It's exciting! It's naughty. I still don't know how the GBK staff in Edinburgh are going to react when the figure out that I'm coming in every day with a free lunch voucher, but I'm hoping they're going to be cool. I keep thinking about it, what's my game plan? Do I just go in and try to fly under the radar for as long as possible? Do I try to make friends? I have this beautiful scenario in my head where after the first few days they figure out what I'm doing, but we're mates by that point? And it becomes like Cheers, I walk in every day and throw “What's-Up-Fingers at everyone, sit at my table, they bring me my shit, I give them the card, we laugh, and everything is right with the world. What I'm scared of is that I'll be banned before the first weekend, and it'll rain lots.

GBK Clink St

        Today I'm in the Clink St store for an early lunch, it's just around the corner from Borough Market, which is the most famous food markets in London. I had to walk through it on the way here and couldn't escape the fact that all I really wanted to do was go in and find something new and exciting to eat, but a deal's a deal, and this stack of free GBK lunch vouchers is burning a hole in my pocket, so I followed the tight alleyway around just past the prison tours until I found the spot. It's nice... I want a view I think. Maybe I was spoilt yesterday, but the window I'm currently sat at is looking straight at a boring wall. It is raining outside though, which is nice, but there's no phone reception which is a BIG minus. Oh boy. Like, none at all. NOTHING!
        The music sounds about the same as yesterday's, but the feeling in here is a bit more restauranty – “stuffy” is probably too negative, and it's not a small space, but maybe just a little too open and big, it feels more like a food hall than the cosy restaurant I think they're going for, or the airy street-side cafe feel of Haverstock Hill. Decor/Vibe: 2.5

Innuendo? Or just bragging about their big, hot mouth?

        In the toilets... oh damn, they've got a big ass mirror in there! Full length, tip to tail, and the benchtops that the sinks sit on feel like real marble – shit is EXPENSIVE bruh! Same green and white tiles as Haverstock, nice uniformity in design, I appreciate that. While I was sitting on the throne I heard the mechanical clicking of the air freshener going off which is reassuring as well, all in all a very positive experience. Toilets 4.5

        The guy who served me when I came in – my receipt claims his name is Patrick – was lovely. There was only one other table of customers when I arrived just before midday, so I reckon I might have got the silver service, but the moment when I failed to understand whatever it was he said and he laughed, “Good morning!” at me was great, very human. There have been at least two other servers who've come to my table and asked how everything's going since then, which is cool. Feels a little impersonal, and actually I wanted to talk to Patrick again. I thought we had a connection?! The place is busier now though, way busier than Haverstock, but there seem to be plenty of crew on hand to deal with it. Staff: 3.8

Nothin's too fancy for my main man Patrick

        Today I went and mixed it up a little with the Chicken Burger, and baby I got it grilled too, and then oh my days hold onto your hats here, A SALAD! Hahaha the knowledge of another meal coming in a few hours has really set me free, I'm like a maniac right now! WOOOOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!! The burger was nice, the chicken fillet didn't really cover the bun, but it was tasty, I could taste the fire, or whatever that taste is when something is nicely grilled – the little burnt bits, like in the bun yesterday. I put some hot sauce on it and that had a little kick to it as well, not a lot, but you know, some nice white-boy kick, which was plenty. Salad was good, crunchy, all their ingredients are clearly fresh. I think they used a different bun on the chicken as opposed to beef burger yesterday too which is an interesting development. Something to look into. Food: 4

I can't get enough of these little flags they're so silly!

        All up I'd say this place is nice, but definitely not as good as Haverstock, or Spitalfields where I went with Brenda on Monday. The location probably has a lot to do with that, it's not much to look at from the outside, but because Borough Markets is so busy and full of tourists, I'd say they get fairly busy all the time, which is something to account for. I wonder if they ever get full though? That would probably be very hectic. Overall, only because I'm betting the other locations are better, I'm gonna say Final Score: 3

GBK St Pauls

        After a lovely spot of reading and a delicious coffee (SHOUTOUT Department of Coffee and Social Affairs) that has unfortunately made me feel jittery and nervous, I'm back in for my second helping of the day. Being right next to St Paul's Cathedral, I'm pretty sure this store would get a fair bit of tourist custom just like the Clink ST, but it's 4:10pm right now so it's empty but for a few tables. The layout of this one is marginally worse than Clink St – on the right when you walk in there's booths, which I'm all for, but on the left it's just open floor, and some of the tables are right in the middle of that mayhem. Fuck having to sit there if it got busy. Also my table right now is wobbly. Picky, sure, but annoying, also sure. At least there's reception here, and the hanging lights with copper lamp shades is a nice touch. This place has a more autumnal colour scheme,very well coordinated. I just noticed that, and it's notched up the points slightly. Decor/Vibe: 2.8

        My man Lewis up on Terminal 5 was cool when I ordered, he yawned a late-afternoon yawn at one point which oddly endeared him to me. The other kid on the floor though – I don't know how old he was, but I think I'm calling him a kid because he just seemed real shy – was helpful but not at all engaging. It's late though, as I said, so I'm sure this crew are tired... .OH SHIT a lady wearing casual clothes just walked past with THREE BURGERS AND THREE SIDES balanced on her arms. Big Stuff! Staff: 3.5

Surrender or be defeated!

        The burger was just good enough. I got the chicken again, but this time had it crumbed, to be honest it was a little dry... well very dry, but I got some hot sauce from The Kid on The Floor to lube it up a little. The breading was very light, and it was crunchy but listen... when I'm having some fried chicken, I want some FRIED CHICKEN, you understand? I fuck with chicken shops HARD (why am I talking like this?), and I love that skin the spice and everything about some dirty fried chicken. The cut in this burger was good for what it was, so it can't lose too many points, but it's just not the kind of thing I'm after. I want it DIRTY! I want to hear squelching sounds when I bite into the shit, you know? Anyway... the coleslaw was good though. Food: 3.5

SURRENDER OR BE DEFEATED!!!

        I'm going to start putting the ratings for toilets at the end, or chronologically, so to speak. The autumnal theme did not extend to the toilets, no real problem there I'm not a maniac. There was no similarly impressive mirror situation like in Clink St, but the place was still neat, even though I had to go up stairs to get there I think that's fine, make me earn it GBK, no worries. Toilets: 4

Stairs bruv... booooo stairs.

        All in all, as 5pm ticks over and the sound of RJD2's timeless Ghostwriter bubbles away over the speaker above me, GBK St Paul's is pretty decent. Phone reception probably has it just ahead of Clink St this morning, but the two are fairly neck-and-neck. Final Score: 3

        I'm off to an ominously titled “Networking Event” tonight, invited by someone I met after my show on Monday. Formal dress, oh yes yes yes. I knew I packed my slacks and dress shoes for a reason. See you tomorrow chums.

Day 1: Haverstock Hill

        Okay, I just had a fantastic idea: a few days ago my friend Brenda told me she has a stack of these vouchers for free lunches at some place called Gourmet Burger Kitchen. I have no idea how she got them but the expiry date on the back of all the vouchers is empty so we can write in whatever date we want. Yesterday Brenda and I went to the one in Spitalfields Market and used a voucher each and will you fucking believe it, IT WORKED!!
        Hahahahahahaha oh god I'm actually so excited.

        So these vouchers can be used on weekdays only, any time before 5pm, and are good for one small burger off the Lunch Menu, and one small side. I leave for the Edinburgh Fringe next Wednesday the 2nd of August, which means after today, I've got Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday to hit all nine GBK locations in London and get myself a free lunch. Seeing as I'm sitting I one right now (and I won't count yesterday because I hadn't thought of The Plan yet), that means I need to get to two GBKs each of tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, and then just one each next Monday and Tuesday. I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS!!

        I'll review them each visit in the following categories: Decor/Vibe, Toilets, Staff, Food. Oh god I think I've been watching too many of those 'The Pengest Munch' videos that kid in the suit does in all the London chicken shops.
        That'll get me through until I leave for the Fringe, and then the real challenge starts. I'll have enough vouchers to easily through the month with a meal a day in Edinburgh, but the challenge is this: Edinburgh has only one GBK. So if I'm planning to go in every day and get a free meal at lunch time, I'm guessing after a while the staff will get a little suspicious. I think I'm getting ahead of myself here, but you get the point of what I'm trying to initiate, I'm sure.

        This is going to be a lot of fun, and already strikes me as incredibly unhealthy and stupid. Let's get started I guess.

GBK Haverstock Hill

Decor/Vibe: Upbeat jazzy kinda soul music. I don't recognize it, but it's nice. I wonder if all of the stores play music off the same playlist or if the staff get a bit of freedom? There's a shelf on the wall with giant scrabble pieces spelling out “A BURGER WITHOUT CHEESE IS LIKE A HUG WITHOUT SQUEEZE”, which I can definitely get into. Contradictorily though the chicken burger on the menu I'm allowed to choose from comes without cheese, which is a big no-no for me, but we're getting off track. There's a big set of doors that open out onto the street, and it's a sunny day today so the vibe is gorgeous. That may be influencing my decision, but nevertheless. Decor/Vibe: 4.5

#REALTALK

Toilets: I don't know why I've included this in here to be honest, but it's in here now and I'm not taking it out. I went when I got here before my food came and it was nice, the tiles up the wall are a pleasing mix of dark green and creamy white. Hold up let me just... Yep, double checked. Toilets are nice. Toilets: 4

Staff: When I walked in the girl said hi to me, which is more than can be said for the Old Spike Roastery on Peckham Rye where I stood for a full 30 seconds the other day until I interrupted the staff's conversation to ask if they actually sold coffee. Although if I'm honest, their indifference made me want them to like me, and I ended up trying to start a chat while drinking my long black. Anyway, off topic – when I put too much salt on my chips and started coughing, the girl came out from behind the counter and asked if I was okay, which was lovely. I heard giggling and laughter from out of my view soon after, which I take to indicate the presence of healthy workplace flirting. I like these people a lot. Staff: 4.5

Food: I got a small cheeseburger with American cheese and the thick cut chips as my side. They were all good – I like the buns they have here, very firm and hold the burger together well. You can taste the burnt bread a little – just a little – where they've toasted it on the grill. I like that too, it tastes real, like actual bread, not some artificial shit, which I'm sure it still could be, but what the fuck do I know. They have this stuff called Hei Hei Salt here too, which is the closest thing I've had in the UK to the Chicken Salt that is ubiquitous back in Australia. Great touch. Nothing special, let's not go mad, but filling and nice. Food: 3.5

The flag says how your burger was cooked, which is a lot of fun.

GBK Haverstock Hill: It's nice here, I've been in for a couple hours now sitting on my laptop, haven't been bothered, although to be fair it's not been busy at all, but they do get bonus points for having a plug socket – and one with USB ports AND power points to plug into [clapping hands emoji]. I can't really think of a complaint, it's on a beautiful, wide high street, everything feels right in the world. I'm reserving a half because the food is just a pass, but for everything else, this is a genuinely lovely place.

See you clowns tomorrow, I wonder how long this is going to last?

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